T.T.S.P.

Trying to stay positive...that is my new motto even though lately it's been tough. There has been a few things going on and my negativity started last week...when my nosey neighbor asked about our adoption and if we were still TTC. This guy is nosey, plain and simple. I am too in some ways but I'm not obvious about it (at least I hope not!). So, since we don't have an adopted child in our home...that answer was given...with a shrug I let that one go...but the TTC? I haven't talked to these neighbors in about two years and for him to come out and ask really peeved me off. So I answered "No". I know I lied (God forgive me) but is it his business? So, I let that conversation go until I happened to see his wife out by their house and it is oh so obvious baby #3 is on the way. What? This neighbor did not bring up their happy news in our conversation. So, I called my dear mom (God love her) and I ranted and raved. She listened but when she called me sensitive...I hung up on her and called her later after I walked some...and we talked. She knows she doesn't understand the ignorant in my IF journey. She doesn't understand that no matter how much I try to push the pain aside...it can rear it's ugly head at any given time...sometimes without notice. She has no idea how we've lost friends because they feel weird sharing their baby news with us. Most of the people who know us know we are not having children because we can't...not our choosing. Enough said on that.

So...now onto another pesky thought...I've been asking God to heal my barren uterus. I've been asking and asking. It needs prayer. I want him to heal it so I can have His children and raise them with Christ. I've actually been calling this female part my "useless uterus". What's it's purpose if not to bare children? So far it's caused physical and emotional pain and if I don't get blessed with a pregnancy more physical pain awaits. I've been contemplating a hysterectomy...a partial one. Not now...but maybe in a few years. If I'm not going to have children than what's the point of having it? If it's going to cause physical pain with endo again, more cysts and more surgeries...why would I deal with that? I would for sure find out what the churches stance would be on that and maybe most dr's wouldn't do that procedure if I didn't have valid reasons....but it's a thought. At some point in my life...I don't want IF holding me back. It does. IF holds me back from moving forward with a family. The older I get the more the dream fades away. My friend, dh and mother all agree....maybe at some point...I'll have to let that dream go altogether and get that procedure done. So....with that in mind...it's been tough for me to be positive. I pray for a change of attitude or a more positive light on things. I do! I know it's something I need to work on...God can't do it alone. I don 't ask God "why" anymore...I'm moving toward acceptance. I guess now I'm just trying to find ways to make that acceptance a little easier on myself. Thanks for reading my not so positive rambling! Now that I've written the negatives down..I can maybe think about the positives. I am blessed with other things in my life. Praise God...it's just IF lately has not felt good to me at all. Until better times.....God Bless you all.