It's kind of sad but my husband and I both agree that infertility does cause some loneliness. Most of our friends and family have children. That's great but we no longer have a common thread with a lot of these people. I love my family and love to hear about my nieces and nephews. So far, family has been very understanding and supportive of us. They don't ask any questions, they just let us live our lives. However friendships have changed. It's not all their fault either, my hubby and I don't make much of an effort to connect anymore.
We met a very nice couple through the adoption. We hung out, shared stories and talked often. Last July, they got pregnant after taking one round of clomid (they signed up to adopt without having an infertility check up first). Unfortunately they lost that child due to a miscarriage and about two months later, a birthmom chose them to adopt her baby. They love this child and I couldn't imagine better parents for him. It's great but for me, it's been super tough. They are no longer on the same boat as me. My husband wants to continue the friendship but it's so hard for me. I guess I need to heal and find strength in myself. We did have dinner with them before Christmas and they were sensitive enough to not talk about their son too much. They have never rubbed anything in our face. Actually, they've been encouraging us to foster, adopt from somewhere else, etc. They want us to be parents too! I don't think it's that easy. I always hoped with this friendship that we'd all be parents at the same time. Why not? I did not want to be the couple without a child. But here we are. I don't know....they are a very nice devoted Catholic people. We need Catholic friends who understand our faith and what it offers. I guess I hope I heal. I want to join them in their happiness of parenthood. I want to do play dates and share stories. I want all of that. My hubby and I talk about this situation and I just don't have a desire to be close with them anymore. IS that wrong? Am I being selfish? I don't know if I'm even sinning? I'm keeping a quiet distance for now. My husband wants friends......and he doesn't want us to be hermits either. We do have a tendency to be acquainted with friends whose children are older. I guess that is secure. Oh well....I'm sure we've all been where I am now. God answered my prayer to connect with others who know my feelings by leading me to the website and these blogs. Thank you all for being so open. I know I'm not alone. It's been helpful. God Bless!!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
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I can totally understand the loneliness. IF can be very isolating. One thing that has helped is joing a women's group called PEO that has women of all ages so it is nice not to have all young women talking about their kids. Also, I like working. Wide range of ages there, too. I'll be your friend!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the wonderful comments you've left on my blog in the last few days. I'm so glad to make a new friend, but so sorry to read of your own struggles with IF. I also know that this path can be very lonely - even with a supportive husband and family. I hope you will continue to find support and friendship in the blogging community, and in real life too! I'm adding you to my prayer list.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the prayers and friendship! I think there is a RESOLVE group out by me but I am not to familiar with it. I haven't seen anything else. My husband and I have talked about starting a group because my Creighton practioner is working or has been working with about eight or more other couples from my church who are suffering infertility! She can't tell me who they are. She said about half are secondary infertility and the other half are like me, no children. Maybe that would be a good idea to bring up the practitioner. Afterall, we'd all be Catholic and we all have one thing that is huge in common. The hard part is what happens when everyone starts getting pregnant and we are the last couple left? Gosh! Those little fears that get in the way huh?
ReplyDeleteIF is hard and there are many facets to the suffering, huh? That couple I referred to in my last post are good people but I just think for now, I have to keep them at an arms length. I don't know how to be part of their joy without looking at my own situation and feeling sad. By all means, I don't want their baby, I want MY baby. I guess I just have to learn to contend with my feelings. Thanks again for your great words of wisdom. God Bless to all my new blogging friends!
I am so sorry I haven't been around your blog in a long time... I have to add it to my blogroll.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I feel this way ALL the time. I literally have NO friends! I mean, I have them, but the closest is an hr away and she has 2 little boys. I don't have any friends IRL who are a)Catholic or b)infertile. I'd even just take ONE of those, but nope, neither. It stinks!
I think it would be wonderful for you to start a group. I understand your feelings about the difficulty of being "left behind" if they all become pg over time, but I don't think that it would pan out exactly that way. Pray on it, God will lead you there if that's what you want to do!
God Bless.
Now that I wrote that post...I think a support group would be a great idea. Hmmm...all I can do is ask, right? I've met some people who have done the IVF for their babies and they don't understand why I won' t go there. I tell them that it's against what I believe. My husband's knows of someone who thought we were doing IVF. I guess he thought the hormones and IVF went together. Whatever! They say ignorance is bliss. Okay. I think that is the problem with the friends......they are ignorant. I actually had a discussion in one of my classes about who would make a better teacher, one that is a mom or one that isn't? This one lady said she'd wouldn't want a teacher for her child who wasn't a mom because motherless teachers attack, etc. What? I could have ripped her a new one! I said a quick Hail Mary and said "Some of my best teachers were ones that did not have any children. They were dedicated to their jobs and had the time to spend with me and other children who needed them." Gosh.....maybe this ignorant woman is not my friend but I've had friends say just as ignorant of things. It's actually mean. My friend with cancer (see my prayer intentions) told me that if she didn't have children, she'd be okay with dying (yes, she's depressed). She said "kids give you purpose in life, without them you have no purpose!" I nearly keeled over. What? I told her that I was hurt by her comment for I feel like I have ALOT of purpose in life and I don't have children. I tell you. I wonder if some friends are better off not having. I have enough inner pain and turmoil....I don't need a "friend" to make it worse. I know she's suffering right now and I know she's worried about her children but does that give her a right to say something so painful to me? She doesn't live near me so I haven't gone to see her yet. I was going to do the drive but since that comment....I don't know if I can do it. We've been friends since birth......but I don't think I need to argue my purpose to anyone on this earth...with or without kids. Hmmmm.....sorry,...I just started venting. Sometimes, it's other people who make having IF hard. God bless.
ReplyDeleteI have allowed myself to avoid making some friendships with people that I meet in IF groups or at adoption meetings bc I was too scared to be the last one with no child. I have recently allowed myself to be totally transparent with new friends and old ones, even family. Heck, they still say the most hurtful things though. I have come to the conclusion (on my better days) that it is better for them to learn how to treat couples like us with sensitivity rather that shred up a woman or man who is still in the early stages of not knowing what is going on with their fertility. I still get upset, cry, and whine. I want more friends in real life who share the same journey with me, but it is very rare bc we, as a group, are very private about this matter. Since learning about the CrMS, I have been shouting from the rooftops to any one who would listen that "Women do not have to suffer silently anymore." Knowledge is power. Knowledge is a fruit of the spirit, so I think God is using all of these uncomfortable moments to teach me more lessons. I have found so much peace in finding other Catholic women who share my journey. Hope you do to.
ReplyDeleteBy the way about your question about what I do at the retreat center. I am a secretary and first point of contact for everyone who comes in seeking help. Although, it makes my husband and Mom cringe to think that I put myself through college and have a degree in psychology. I worked in that field for as long as my heart could stand it. I wasn't looking for this job when it found me. I struggled with my pride and the paycut for months, but God wanted me here. I have met so many people who are praying for me and with me about my journey and I am praying that it leads for more doors to open for ministry. The best thing is that they give me an additonal health insurance policy (I was already covered under my husband's plan) at no cost to me, so with all of the major medical stuff done last year, we had dual coverage for me. That was a true blessing. I say that God wanted me here bc I was led to a scripture from Deut. that tells us to "Choose life" My other job was sucking the life out of me. I worked for a state run program helping 0-3 year olds who had disabilities. While I loved the families I served, I could not keep up with the massive caseload and traveling all the time. I did that for 5 years before calling it quits. I also worked in mental health for a while and realized I was not cut out for that kind of constant stress level. So I work at a retreat center for little pay, but great benefits and I have virtually no stress except for trying to bring a baby into our lives. Well, that was a long way around a simple question, but I think God needed to remind me that I made the right choice.
Life in Mazes....thanks for the response and reminding me to choose life! I started out doing Customer Service when I graduated with my English Degree. It had nothing to do with the degree but since at that time, I had no clue what I was doing (or who I was)...that job gave me work experience in Corparate America. After doing customer service I got a promotion to doing Administrative work and I did that for different companies until I couldn't do it anymore. My last boss yelled at me so much. I couldn't find joy in the work and I felt like I was in a hole. So, I quit and started working with children.....I know God meant this path for me. I became a teacher's aide (which pays next to nothing) and was encouraged by teachers to pursue a Masters degree in teaching and to become a Substitute Teacher. So, here I am....working on a Masters in Early Childhood and I am a sub. I do love the job and the classes are going well. Whew! I am where I belong and I did try working with older children but it's not for me. I like to sing, dance and I get such a kick out of the things preschoolers say and do. I find reward in the job. I have one preschool that really depends on me to sub for the teachers. Everyone knows me and requests me. I can't complain. The money isn't dependable or great but when I'm done and certified to teach...the money will come. Thanks for sharing your job experiences. Part of me hoped I'd have our baby and could stay home and finish school. But God's plan is working out okay too. I'm getting experience by being a sub, I'm earning some money and I get to play with children! I forget about my infertility while I work. So, that's a blessing right there. Huh?
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of CrMS...it is a good thing. I don't know if I'll have a baby or not but it has taught me a lot about my body and I do feel better. Some things really changed in my health since I've been taking the meds for the Hypothyroidism. I'm healthier all around. I believe looking back that my immunity system was getting effected by the disease. I was very sick last year. It seemed like I caught every virus that passed by me. If a child sneezed on me...I got sick (and we all know little ones are not good about covering coughs or sneezes). I seem to be doing better. I did get a flu shot last fall...so that should help. If I get pregnant, I need a healthy body anyway, right? I also have energy. The first IF spec I saw told me I was borderline Hypothyroid and he only gave me T4 which basically does very little. The Napro dr did say that most drs only give T4...there's more maintenance work for a dr who prescribes T3 to their patients. Isn't that interesting? So, there's a blessing to be had in everything...big or small...when you look at the big picture...there's a blessing in there somewhere. Also, I've found peace and comfort in sharing my journey with you all too. It's amazing how helpful it's all been and you know what? I'm not feeling so guilty about some of the feelings that I've struggled with. I'm not so wrong for being fed up with ignorant comments with IF. Thank God I don't get them as much anymore or have I just learned to let them slide off of me and I don't bother to get upset. I am getting stronger! God bless.