It's not about me

Those are the words that have been coming in prayer to me as I discern our possible future journey into foster care.  I talk to God a lot about this.  Is this something we should pursue?  Am I going to be able to handle the stress of it?  What if we have a child in our care for a few years only to find out the birth family wants the child back?  Could I handle that heart break?  There are so many questions.  One thing that resonates with me is that when we went to the Pri.de classes a few summers ago (this was the first step), the speaker said many times that "Foster care is not about building YOUR family.  It's about building the child's family (so the child can go back home.).  I get it.  I do but for us...foster care will be about building our family.  We are not going to open our home for various children to come and go.  I can't do that.  I just do not  have a desire in my heart to be that foster parent.  I (we) want to "rescue" a baby...hopefully newborn, before he/she is one of those foster children who lives from home to home. I've heard some things around about the need for families to take babies into their homes.  If that's true...than we are doing the right thing and we'll be able to give a baby a forever loving home.   We know of a few families that have recently adopted babies from foster care, So, That's our ultimate goal.  It isn't a bad thing.  Really. 

So as I talk to God about this..He says "It's not about you PJ."  And He's right.  All those fears I mentioned are about me.  It is ultimately about providing a child a forever loving home.  If I trust in God (which I do) than all will be okay.  Is He calling us to do this?  I do feel like I'm being asked to step outside of my realm of comfort.  I don't know.  I'm sure this won't be the first post about this topic. 

As a side note...the doubting side of me..reminds myself that I thought we were called to have our own child..didn't happen.  After a lot of prayer...I felt called to adopt.  That didn't happen either.  I guess I wonder...Am I being called to this new adventure?  Or Am I just following a dream and in the end..we will be back where we started...which in reality isn't so bad.  I like sleeping in, coming and going without worrying about my child, a nice quiet home, etc, etc. 

For cycle news...we'll be starting another round of antibiotics for TEBB soon.  Ugh.  I dread it.  Last time I could deal with it but I didn't feel the best.  Dr S is having us try something different.  I hope it goes well for we have an event to go to next week and I don't want to be nauseous for it.  I'll live on seven up and crackers.  I upped the probiotic live cultures so I hope that helps.  Plus, I'm going to take Clomid again. Ugh.  So I'll be nauseous and have hot flashes which will equal a complete hot mess.  Good thing I'll be home most of the next two weeks huh?  I just started taking DHEA too which doesn't bother me.  I do feel like I'm taking a lot right now.  Geez.  My dh asks..."Is this all worth it?"  Good question.

Other than all of that, life is good.  I'm enjoying my summer and learning about my new career.  That has been keeping me busy.  I have a feeling I'm going to like working from home.  I haven't been feeling too much stress.  Sometimes I stress over this new career but then I remind myself that it's going to be okay. I then relax. Whew.  I just can not put into words how stressful teaching was.  So far, no regrets with leaving that profession. None. I've been looking forward and moving on.

St. Anne...pray for us.