At a Crossroad

of sorts..I guess.  As I was looking at f.b yesterday, I was reading some h.s friend's posts about their children's bdays.  These kids are now teens and beyond.  I guess I was thinking about how if my dh and I were to be blessed with a baby now...how would people react?  One lady already bluntly told me that I was too old...yeah...and I wasn't even telling her we were trying...I just said that it was in God's will.  It's a long story how we got on the topic...but it ended with her comment and I went home wondering...am I too old?  I have another bday coming up soon so I guess it's only natural to think about my age and whether or not I want to give birth, or should we just focus on fostering and move on?

Another reason I consider this...is that I have started another REALLY medicated cycle.  Dr S has wanted me (us) to do this kind of medicated cycle for about four months now but I declined due to all the stress of my job(which I am so not missing).  This time, this cycle, just seemed like the best time to go with the meds.  It's a list full.  I told my dh when NOT to be busy this month....he's so involved in the K.O.C that some evenings he doesn't get home until after ten and then he's tired...you know...those kind of excuses.  He of course rolled his eyes and like other months..we'll try our best. He is so not optimistic.

As I was taking Clomid (again for the third time!)...yesterday... I wondered how long I want to keep all of this up?  I just do not like taking meds.  Not at all.  Right now, I am taking an antibiotic for TEBB (and my dh is too, 9 more days to go), Clomid (cd 3,4,5),LDN, dhea, mucinex (only on CD 13 to peak +2), folic acid, and of course the HCG after peak.  I also take my thyroid meds, zyrtec for allergies, and pepcid for my reflux. It just seems like a load...I am not putting much faith in all of this either...so I ask..why?  I ,so far, feel okay.  I am not even sure what I am hoping to obtain?  My dh does think about what will happen IF I did get pg.  I told him...we'll just have to cross that bridge when (or if) we get to it.  After ten years of TTC...I don't have that answer.  Hmmm....I'm pretty sure...if we did conceive...I would be scared.  Interesting how my feelings are changing, huh?  IT's all about God's will...and I would just have to trust that whatever happens...it's all going to be okay.  God is soooooo good.

Anyways...I just have a lot mulling around my mind.  I don't know how much longer I want to keep doing these meds.  There's a bigger part of me...that is ready to move on.  After surgery with Dr. S last Aug...I was so ready to dive back in...had a glimmer of hope.  Now that glimmer has turned into just a flicker and I have a feeling soon the light will be put out.  I don't know.  I've been praying and discerning.  I have so much to be thankful for and I am enjoying my life...so...where do I (we) go from here?

Sometimes, putting my thoughts on this blog is helpful.  Helps me to sort it all out.  Thank you for reading and commenting...it is helpful too.

St. Anne...pray for us!!!