If you guessed I'm having regrets about teaching...you are right! There's something that happened.....within this last week...we found out about a baby that needed a home...we said "yes" after all..I'll soon be done with student teaching, ...we thought this is happening at a perfect time. Well...accept for the fact I had accepted that "job" (which in reality is a long term sub position that will "hopefully" turn into a teaching position in a younger grade..I'm not certified to teach 5th grade.)....So, long story short...we found out yesterday that the baby is going to another couple....God blessed them. What does our S.W say to us "Well, maybe this is a blessing since you have that new job." What? Since when did I ever say...a job was a blessing over a baby? I literally snapped! I told the s.w....in not a very nice tone.."I would have given up that job for that baby!". I've never cried so hard in my life ( I cried in Adoration too...I thought I want HIM to know I'm hurting). My poor dh felt so bad. I never ever intended becoming a teacher to replace motherhood....never....never...ever!!!! I think the S.W. felt bad for saying that. The only reason I decided to teach was because I wasn't becoming a mother. I needed something else to focus on...something to make me feel good because in reality...trying to be a parent has not been a very positive experience for me or my dh. Trying to become a parent has been filled with lots of rejections...and no's...and you were not chosen. I regret becoming a teacher...especially after student teaching in a classroom with a bunch of kids who are downright selfish and rude (never mind the fact the teacher's mood changes with the wind)! I get yelled at by this kid (I honestly think he has As.ber.ger.s Syn.dr.ome) everyday...he throws things...he sobs..he raises his fists at me....all because I change the routine slightly or ask him to write complete sentences! Everyday it's something!!! I have children pretending to vomit in the garbage can so I will send them to the nurse. Really? I now have to make sure they are throwing up...yeah..fun. *sigh* I ask myself as I spend countless hours planning lessons and grading papers why God wants me to do this...am I reading this all wrong? Does He really want this for me? So...all this schooling, exams, papers and projects...all of this work...has led to these feelings???? Where do I go from here?
So, no baby. I'm still going to do that long term sub position/job. I'm weary about it. For some reason, I get a feeling the principal has not told his staff that I am student teaching...it's a long story. I don't why but he's making me out to be this experienced teacher....really? *sigh* I'm going to need support...and I'm realizing I may not get it. Ugh!
I won't bother mentioning that today is P+17. I'm wondering if I calculated my "O" wrong. I'm crampy and very emotional (yesterday...my poor dh didn't know what to do to help me.) I'm not going to take a test...I won't be able to handle another "No" right now...my cycle will start..it always does.
I guess the positive spin on all of this is that in one week....I'm done student teaching and I can apply for that piece of paper stating I can teach . Great.
Sorry for venting....I'm just a mess. I hope decorating for another childless Christmas will make me feel better. Ugh! I better stop....I may just go back to bed. Finding a part time office job is starting to sound very appealing right now.
Oh...one last thing...my dh and I are seriously considering leaving this agency again. The S.W told us that there are very few couples waiting for infants now...should be good news right? Well..next she says that are preparing some more couples for licensing...great. So, now we'll be in the "mix" with more couples. Not good news to me! So, we are one of the last couples still waiting. Good news? I think not.
So, if you are my prayer buddy...please pray for me. I need prayers. I need something. I am going to see my dr this week...maybe I'll ask for pro.zac or some other "happy" pills. My dear blogger friends...I ask for prayers from you too.
I keep trying to pray "Lord, I trust in you, I love you and I find strength in you." This will pass. I will move on. I will live through many more disappointments.
Okay...my cat just threw up...ugh..time for his shot.
I'm sorry- HUGS)))))
ReplyDeleteThat seriously stinks- you try to move on and be happy in the midst of the pain & find out that you aren't so thrilled with what you have moved on to. I hope life looks up for you soon!
Prayers for you and your DH.
Sorry you are having a rough time and missed out on an adoption opportunity. I'll be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm....you and I are having a similar week. I feel your pain and you have my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am sooooo sorry.... :( I will pray for you to feel better and find consolation.
ReplyDeleteOh J, I am sorry you having a hard week. I don't have any advice to offer on the teaching thing, but I think God is very pleased that you are serving him in this way, but does that mean he wants you there for a long time? I don't know...maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. But I think he will make it clear. As far as rejection goes, I agree, it stinks...I don't know about those specific situations, but just know of my love and encouragement and prayers. I am so sorry though about the adoption situation. Hang in there J, you are loved and you will be a good teacher for those children.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry
Oh I am SO SO SO sorry. I am SO sorry this did not work out for you. I will be lifting you up in prayer, friend. In no way does teaching replace motherhood. Teaching is hard hard hard hard hard, but I know you do a beautiful job loving those kids. I know any kids that have you as a teacher will be blessed for it. Praying.
ReplyDeleteEmail me for agency info. We have 3 agencies.
I'm praying for you! I'm so sorry that you're having such a difficult time right now.
ReplyDeleteSounds like your life is full of puke lately :/. It's strange how things that are usually sort of dull, constant hurts can suddenly open up to be a whole world of pain when they get ripped open again. IF is rotten. I hope this gets better for you guys soon :(.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your kind comments...they mean a lot to me. The cumulation of a new cycle starting, rejections and being completely overwhelmed with taking over this new grade is a lot for me right now...just a lot....Lord give me strength!
ReplyDeleteOh wow, why does this have to be so hard???? I just don't understand it.
ReplyDeleteAnd you know what I CANNOT. STAND?? When people say things like, "Well, that wasn't your baby, it was their baby" (in regards to a failed adoption match). In reality, yes, I think God has plans for each of us, but we also have a LOT of free will and choices to make on our own. People have said that to me when I have lamented about not being HS approved, and missing out on tons of babies that *could* have been mine. "Oh, well, they weren't meant to be yours." Really? So if we HAD been HS approved, and HAD been matched and placed by now, the baby I brought home wouldn't *really* be mine?? I don't buy that. I think there are just circumstances that come up that may answer one person's prayers while destroying another person's dreams. All free will.
I know what you mean about the teaching, too. But at least the teaching (even though you'd give it up in a heartbeat for motherhood) is a noble profession that you can feel good about, despite its own difficulties. I feel that way about my job. I'd leave in a second... but while I "wait" I can feel like I'm helping a lot of people, and making good use of my time, rather than sitting around on the couch all day whining about my infertility, kwim?
I'll certainly be praying hard for you, my dear. Hugs.
Oh no, so sorry to hear that. That is really insensitive of your social worker to say that!! That would really have upset me too, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I will pray for you my friend. The Lord will bring you the right child at the right time, and that little baby will be SO very lucky to have you as a mom!!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about your frustrations and suffering. You have my prayers. It seems like a lot of potential adoptions situations have been placed before you guys in the past year and I hope that SOON you will be blessed with the one that works out.
ReplyDeleteI am soo sorry to hear what has been going on. {{{Hugs}}} I can't believe that the SW said that, and good for you for saying something back! I agree that it might be time for a new agency. I wish I had the right words to say, so I'll pray for you and your family instead.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say. I cannot believe a social worker of all people would say that. Good for you for making absolutely clear to her that adoption is coming first.
ReplyDelete