I don't know but lately I've been feeling quite down....it's Advent..we will be celebrating the Lord's birth in a week and here I am having a hard time relishing in the glory..instead I feel sad and lonely.
I guess it's hard to explain....but since I began student teaching my relationship with my dh has become distant. We just were so busy and exhausted. I do appreciate all of his hard work....he is my best friend but lately....it's just been different. I know in a few weeks I'll be teaching full time with my own classroom...which leads me to wonder if we'll even get further apart. I love him dearly and I just pray we'll get that passion back that we once had.
I also feel the adoption disappointments is starting to effect our relationship too. He just does not get excited anymore. He's convinced this won't happen....it just seems like becoming a parent for us has been one big disappointment after another. I just still don't feel ready to give up...maybe that time will come and we'll close that door. I feel that now I have truly put this in God's hands....it's up to Him to make us a family with a child. I pray and pray He keeps us strong as we continue on this very, very hard journey.
I am offering up my suffering and disappointments for my prayer buddy. Good things are happening in her life.....I guess in this way...my suffering is being used for the greater good of someone else. God does use suffering for greater good. I will keep all of you in my prayers. God Bless.
I am enjoying this Christmas break...my house is clean... I'm getting organized..and today I'm going to visit my friend with the horses. Something I haven't done since beginning student teaching either.
Oh J! I am sorry. You know, I haven't ever written about it, but my DH and go through these spurts and it is hard and some of them last for awhile and I don't know what to do. (So, my point is I don't have a lot of answers, but I think this season is just doubly hard.) The world expects you to be happy and cheerful and joyful and I want to be all those things, but internally it is not like that. Infertility / adoption stress is not something that we live in isolation - I am more and more aware of how hard it is on the men as well and they live that stress rollercoaster too. That being said - I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteIt's going to take a while for the 2 of you to get into a new groove. For our first 3 years, DH was in school and I was working so whenever I was home, he was there. It took a while for us to adjust to us both working. At first, it was like all our together time was going over to-do lists or doing chores - just not real "together" time. But we eventually found a groove and you will, too. But, no doubt, it is hard, ESPECIALLY when you are dealling with the emotional rollercoaster you've been on lately. So sorry for all of this. I hope you get to ride those horses (if it isn't too cold)!
ReplyDeleteI know, I just KNOW God is using your suffering for amazing things, not just for your prayer buddy but for you and your hubby and YES your child/ren, too.
ReplyDeleteI am still holding onto hope for you, I do feel strongly that you will be a physical mother. I just wish I knew when so that I could ease your heart :( Your suffering has been for so long, and you are such a holy woman because of it.