As I sat and prayed in adoration last Fri,,,I began to remember back when my dh and I first started to try to conceive. Boy, I can't express in words how hard the beginning was. I cried every month...I sat in adoration...starring at Jesus...in tears...if no one was in there with me...I would let myself sob. I had a horrible feeling back then that we may never have that child I dreamed about having or thought I would have pretty much most of my life. My dh and I fought often too. I was on edge. As time went on...I was getting angry. I pounded my fists at God...why me? Why us? Are we not fit to parent? Is a tee.n mo.m more fit than me? Is the mothe.r on dru.gs more fit or the many women who chose abo.rtion?????? !!!!! So many questions...still unanswered...but as the years went on and many, many quiet prayers...I just realized HE has other plans for us. I learned that I had to accept this pain. I had to accept this life. I had to let go of friends who had children who no longer felt they could be around us. I had to let go of the life I thought I would have...let it all go.
Sure, looking back...is hard. Could I/we have done more? Is there something we are missing? There's questions...but not so many anymore. I told some teachers at a school yesterday...that I work for God...and I have faith that HE'll open doors...(for I know of one door that has closed). They were asking where I would like to work when I'm done and certi.fied. I just have to believe in all my heart...He'll provide and I'm going to know one day...why He chose us to be parentless. I told my 3.rd grade R.E. class last Sunday...that God knows how our lives are going to turn out...He has a plan...and as long as we follow His will...we'll know that plan. They had lots of questions....but that is what I believe. He knew when I was born...I wasn't going to have children. He knew I would meet my dh and together we would be on this journey.
I pose a question...when someone boldly asks why I or we don't have children...I answer "Not in God's plan for us." I don't say that with anger...just acceptance and no ever asks anymore questions. So...is that a good response? Does it sound like I'm blaming Him? I just want to be honest...and that is the truth.
I'm okay...I'm not crying...I'm just realizing that I/We have come a long way. Next month we'll have been TTC'ing for 7 years (on and off). I guess as years pass by us quickly...I can look back and see where we've been and where we are going. Hmmmm....
BTW: I'm so itching for spring. I can already hear the birds singing and it sounds like we may have close to 50 degree weather this weekend...with rain showers...but hey...I can maybe open a window so our cat can breathe in some fresh air...and me too!!!
My dh is doing a pol.ar plung.e this Sat for the specia.l Olympi.cs...please join me in prayer that he has fun and does not get sick! Sounds like a big event...I'm not sure if I'll go see this. I'd have to go by myself...since my dh is going with some people he works with. We'll see...hey..it's for a good cause.
God Bless.
First of all, I have to say that is the perfect answer. And I admire that you trust God through all of this-He does have a beautiful plan for us.
ReplyDeleteThat is very cool of your dh-my degrees are in special ed and I think that is neat he is getting involved this way!
I have, on occasion, answered the question with a no and then followed it with “we have as many as God has willed for us and if he wills more, we’ll gladly have them.” I guess that is my way of acknowledging in an ambiguous way that we do have some in heaven (you know I’m not good as sharing info. with people) and also that we are open to whatever may happen no matter how old we get.
ReplyDeleteI know you’ve had a long journey, but you have done it together and learned so much about God and each other. There are so many blessings there and I know you can see and feel them.
Ohh. The polar plunge sounds fun!
I hear you on spring. Remember my spring post with all the great pictures from this past SUNDAY?! It snowed today!!! 2 days later and it snowed! See if I go bragging again!
Hi there! I liked your response. This past weekend my aunt suggested that I not refer to myself as suffering from infertility because it hasn't been long enough. (It will be 2 years in May and 2 miscarriages over the last 1 1/2 years.). She said it in a very kind way and is so very full of hope for me and my DH, so I didn't take offense. It was just a different perspective. I hope you have a blessed rest of the week and I am looking so forward to SPRING! A lot of the snow has been melting around here...I hope it is doing so in your area as well! God Bless!
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