Teaching. Last Mon I had to drive down to the university to go to a short studen.t teaching mtg. There they informed me that my application for studen.t teaching (yes, I had to apply for this) was out on area principals desks. So now..I have to check my email to find out where my placement is going to be next fall. Wow! I now have a pit in my stomach that won't go away. On Tues, my professor/advisor told me that he looked into all that I have done and I am almost finished. I can go on as planned. I already knew that but it's really nice to hear it again. Now I just have to worry about passing the two exams I need for certification. Nothing like some pressure and stress. Tests make me quiver. Praying for confidence!!!
When I started this program...I thought somewhere during my studies I'd have that baby my heart desired or we would adopt. I figured I could parent and finish schooling. When the child was in school full time..that is when I would teach full time myself. Sounded like a nice plan...I guess I forgot to discuss this plan with God. He was laughing. I still have such a hard time accepting that He'd rather me teach..then parent. Hmmmm....that is what it is..in my view. I know He knows best..but it was definitely Him that led me down this path to a new career. I'm thankful..for I love working with children and I get it. I don't know...I know I've written this before...I didn't necessarily want teaching to replace parenting. OH well...life goes on.
Lots of good news still going on in blog land. Praying for hope is pregnant! There is not too many of us women in our age group that are part of this blog. You would think her pregnancy would give me hope..no..I'm completely happy for her and her dh but I know God's timing and plans for her are different than what they are for me (obviously). I used to get that hopeful feeling...but lately..it's not happening. I'm barren...I hate it but it's something I have to live with. Someday I'll understand..maybe not. There...I've said it...I hate my infertility. Just hate it! Errrr......
To be honest...I don't know if we'll ever try again. My dh is done. He's over it. He is looking forward to me being a teacher so we can travel more, have more expendable income, he can quit his second job. He wants to save. I agree with all of that...but it doesn't make this situation any easier for me. I know it's important to finish school now...I'm so flipping close!!! However...as I approach my own 40th bday...I'm realizing that time is quickly passing by so I have to get over wanting my own baby too. Some days..accepting and living this path is easier than others. I keep praying...I won't give up on God. I just hope teaching makes me as happy and content in my life...as I think a baby would. I guess I'm waiting for God to prove me wrong. However, I very well could be in a place where He wants me to be.
Please keep Sew in your prayers too. She's got a lot going on in her life. May God keep her strong and grace her with His presence. Praying, praying, praying.....
**Also** I added a new photo to my picture blog. It was me when I was 25 years old. If you want to view this blog..please emial me at prayerfuljourney@charter.net. Thanks.
Hearing others' pregnancy announcements - even those my age or older - never gave me any hope for myself. They were all hard to hear, no matter if they were trying for three days or three years. Like you said, happy for them . . . not so much for myself. I hesitated about posting that announcement because I knew how such a one would have made me feel. I hate to make people feel like that.
ReplyDeleteI hope teaching is the fulilling avenue you need (actually, I hope other things, but it sounds like your husband has given up on that). Maybe God will decide to prove you wrong, though? It's a thought.
I'm hoping God proves you wrong. :) I do pray that teaching is going to fulfill you in ways you never knew possible....The kids of our world need good teachers and could always use 2nd mothers especially at school. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, I can feel your frustration and pain through your words...It sucks. I hate it too....But at least we have each other!
Yeah..Sew..part of my job as a teacher will be too "mother".in many more ways than one. :)
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, I've been struggling to "embrace" this cross myself lately. Check out the post I just put up today. Thomas a Kempis gave me a beautiful pep talk tonight. :) I hope it inspires you (all) as well. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't make sense that God would rather you teach than be a mother. Maybe, though, He knew that becoming a mother would not be biologically possible, so He led you to a path that you were assuming you would follow after you had kids, and He knew you'd be all set to take on by the time you realized that you weren't going to be able to have them? I don't know. I'm nowhere near sorting out the right attitude and interpretation of all these things. Still lost :).
ReplyDeleteYou're right about the age thing - in the non-Catholic IFosphere, it seems like there's no one under 30. In the Catholic IFosphere, there's practically no one over 35. It's interesting. And makes prayingforhope's news all the more miraculous. I was bowled over! Such great news. But not, as you say, indicative of anything for those who are at the end of the road.
Misfit: What you said makes complete sense. Maybe God knew all along I wouldn't be a biological mother and He knew one day I'd figure that out...so..He put me on the path of teaching..a place where I will be helping many children in different ways. I'm hoping the day I have my own classroom..will be the day..God's plan will make sense.
ReplyDeleteI really am a "kid" person...teaching is definitely a good place for me to be. :)
I think Misfit might be right and I'm glad that you feel some peace about it. Congratulations on being almost done.
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