Thursday, January 14, 2010
No more asking questions.
Our SW came over to do the six month home /check visit for our adoption license. I asked what was going on at the agency and she told me that there are quite a few women coming into the agency for cri.sis pregna.ncy help but none are seeking adoption. She then told me about a 13 year old girl that they are counseling. She's pregnant and in the eighth grade and her boyfriend is in the seventh grade. Her parents made her move with her boyfriend's family for her parents are already raising an older sister's baby and a cousin's baby (geez, this must be a family thing). The sw told me that the girl is miserable because she'd rather be home. This girl is going to "parent" her child. As of now, this girl has no interest in giving up her baby. Yes, I'm thankful she didn't abo.rt but parenting at 13? Gosh...I was into girly things at that age (malls, movies, noticing boys) not s.ex. Of course, her family or his family is going to parent this child but my question remains the same...why? Why aren't these girls considering adoption? I'm dismayed by what I keep hearing....it's quite sickening that I can't have children but a 13 year old can. It's stories like these that make Living His Will very tough. I just want to put earplugs in my ears and blinders over my eyes. I have to quit asking questions. Gotta just keep moving along in life, huh?
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I agree...sometimes I find I just have to give in and surrender to not knowing the reason for something. It is so hard to do though! I hope the visit with the SW went well. Thanks for your words of encouragement this week - I really appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteWOW. I know it's better for kids to stay with their parents where feasible, but I'd have said that with a 13yo mom, it was a no-brainer. What kid will later feel betrayed because his mother gave him up when she was a child herself? (Not that I would really understand, not having been adopted.) THIRTEEN!
ReplyDeleteI know that's hard. I remember my first experience with a pregnant classmate was in the 6th grade.
ReplyDeleteAnn: OMG! Sixth grade? Did she keep the baby?
ReplyDeleteIf there's anything good to be learned from the bad news and the difficulty of that girl's situation, it would seem that you are with an agency that doesn't push and resepects the mothers decisions. Under those circumstances, I would feel more at peace with a match down the road.
ReplyDeleteI definitely feel the same way some times - it just all seems so insane.
Yes. I remember is so well b/c it obviously surprised everyone and our school/teachers weren't prepared to handle it. While she did have help from Mom in the early years, I think she eventually was on her own with her family. She had a 2nd some time later - maybe high school. She would come into where I worked during college with her 2 kids. I never knew her well so I don't know the circumstances or details, but we were always friendly.
ReplyDeleteThis is one thing that truly bothers me. It's hard to be completely bothered, because as you said, at "least" they're not aborting. But since when did parenting as a child yourself become so glamourous?? Oh, yes, now I remember. Ever since MTV started showing just how glamourous it is with their reality shows.
ReplyDeleteAnd the other thing is how adoption is viewed by these "kids." I HATE hearing, "I could never give up my baby!!" Uggghhh... :( It's like adoption is this evil, horrible thing, and no one helps explain to these girls just how beautiful and selfless it really is.
It's so depressing :(
TCIE: I couldn't have said it better myself...sometimes I too feel like adoption is being viewed by these young mothers as horrible and criminal...when in fact it is the most loving and selfless thing a young woman can do for her child. We need some good role models in our society and we need some politicians to start advocating and standing up for adoption...Could you imagine if Sar.a Pali.ns young daughter gave up her child for adoption what that could do for our society? Of course, that family has the money to support that child however as we know..too many other young mothers just struggle when they don't have too. Oh well...we just have to keep praying.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I realized you were in the adoption process. I really do struggle with the teenagers raising children thing. Especially such a young teenager in such a difficult living circumstance. It seems that so many people think that as long as they don't abort, mission accomplished, but is it really? Of course that is the most important step, but is raising a child in that situation necessarily in the best interest of the child and the mother and the grandparents? I guess having a child out of wedlock is not considered the huge shame that it used to be, but I feel like there should be more of a push for encouraging adoption as sometimes being more beneficial than keeping a child with their bio parents. It seems like the opposite is the trend right now - keeping the child with their parents at all costs.
ReplyDeleteTBHW: I feel the same way..I think there are circumstances where there should be a push for adoption...especially in cases where the mother and child are going to be living in poverty...how can that be better for the child? Wouldn't having a life where every need is met be better? Is just being loved enough? Don't know. Yep...society definitely makes having babies as teen.s etc...okie dokie. *Sigh*
ReplyDeleteWhen I taught high school I was surrounded by teens having babies. At that point, though, I wasn't ttc, so it didn't bother me. Thinking back though, I would have been upset, I know.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't begrudge a teenager because they can get pregnant. It's not their fault. If they didn't go out and they didn't have sex and didn't get pregnant it still wouldn't change your situation. There are plenty of adult mothers out there who abuse and mistreat their children. And there are plenty of young mothers who are devoted to their children and doing a good job. Don't be so quick to judge.
ReplyDeleteAnd People don't say "I could never give up my baby" because they think that giving up a baby is selfish or wrong, it's because they have been carrying the baby for nine months during which time they have already bonded and grown to love the baby. Giving up a child that you have carried for nine months is never going to be easy. And yes adoption is a beautiful and selfless thing to do but not if the mother has been forced to do it by others who think they know better.
ReplyDeleteThere are plenty of wealthy parents who have children then employ nannies to look after them, neglecting them in the process. It is a child's mother who should decide if she keeps the baby or not. If this decision is taken away from her it would only end in the mother feeling very distressed and cause a lifetime of regret and bitterness.
My parents struggled when i was a child. There was four of us and only my dad worked receiving a very low wage. We never had much, in fact we had very little. If anyone had tried to take us away from my mother she would have done everything in her power to stop them. Money is not the secret to raising a happy, healthy child.
In response to Kieran...I wonder if you are a teen mom yourself or if you are a mother to a teen mom. I don't think I was judging..I only go by the facts...it's out there.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure there are plenty of teen moms that are great mothers...I'm sure most of them have wonderful families helping them. I don't think adoption would be good in that situation. However in situations where young women or older women have no means of taking care of their baby...and this child could very well end up in foster care someday or God forbid Abus.ed!!...adoption is a wonderful blessing for the child! Let's think about the child here. Nothing about the situation is easy..but why does the child have to come into a world of poverty and despair? THese women have to depend on others to help them just make it by. The agency I work with stated openly that mothers come in wanting hand outs and money...but they're keeping their child. Is that love or being selfish? Is love going to provide everything for that baby? Good questions.
I hope someday...the schools start educating young teen women that there is more to life than having children. Build up their self-esteem! Teach them about ovu.lation. Teach them to respect themselves. Res.earch and statistics don't lie..alot of young teen moms end up in poverty..don't finish h.s. and struggle..therefore the child struggles. Also..there's evidence that teen parents are not helping their children grow developmentally...how can they when they are still growing and maturing themselves? Children are a huge responsibility! Is it fair for these young mothers to ask their families to raise another child?
I don't get it. I don't have too. I'm just going to pray one day a b/m comes into the agency and chooses us to parent her child. It's not about money...it's about nurturing, making sure the child has all of his/her needs met, helping the child reach developmental goals..teaching that child and giving that child opportunities he or she may never have had otherwise. I've never met someone who was adopted that wasn't grateful for being adopted. :)
Maybe you think it's wonderful teens are having children...and adoption is a waste and should be done away with...if that's the case...you are among the few. God bless.
Yes, some older women would benefit from some adult parenting education too.