When my dh and I were sitting in our living room this afternoon...just talking about "whatever"..I broke down and told him how I have been feeling. He was surprised and at first, a little upset "I have only one day at home and you have to bring this up." I was going to quit saying anything after that comment but I nicely reminded him that he hasn't been home all week and I know he doesn't like "these kind of talks" when he comes home from work. So...we talked and talked.
The one interesting comment that came out of the conversation was the fact that our journey to parenthood has been one battle after another. It's been sad, disappointing, some times of hope but only to be let down....emotionally...a complete upheaval....however my journey to becoming a teacher has been rather smooth. Things just seem to be falling into place. He made me realize...I shouldn't fear this direction...it's right. Score! yeah for my dh! He encouraged me to make this last year of grad school and student teaching a good one and to keep focused. IF has ruined a lot for me...I'm not going to let continue ruining my future!
As far as my isolation is concerned...he didn't have much to say. He's pretty sure that if we had a child...we'd still be isolated. We have found out who our true friends are. Maybe I need to be more involved in other things...I used to go to dance/aerobics classes...I could take a cooking class...etc. I love riding horses but with winter in tow...not much of that will happen for about five to six months. School is my main focus but I think I need to reach out and do something else that is fun. I want to do something where IF is not the focus. hmmm......He also mentioned thera.py. I've done that before and it has helped but for now I'm really not interested in that. I want to try things on my own. I'll start my journal again...I'll exercise and watch what I eat (I think a diet is strongly needed here) and I'll build on friendships that I do have. I have friends with children where my IF does not get in the way (if you will). These friends care about me no matter what. Maybe I should have reached out to them. I know they would have listened.
I did have to promise my dear dh that when I'm feeling "down"...I need to let him know. He did confess that IF is hard on him at times too. When he sees a father and son dressed in their boy sc.out outfits...it makes him sad (he was a boysc.out). He has just learned to not all of this get him down. It happens and he thinks " build a bridge and get over it." IF won't go away if we let it consume our thoughts...he's right. Maybe all of this emotional stuff I've been feeling is just a step closer to my healing. With that...onto happier thoughts and actions.
Praying for you all and thanks again to those of you who posted encouraging and kind words on my latest posts! Those words meant a lot to me.
I am so happy you are feeling better! The new background is sho cheerful and hopeful. Your last post was raw and honest. You showed great courage in not keeping that to yourself and you showed great courage and trust when you showed your feeling to your DH. I am so glad you both can keep encouraging one another, prayers continue. I just know you are going to be a fabulous teacher!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI was on internet break for the last post, but I really understand how you feel. I never want to burden DH with this stuff either, but the truth is that he needs to know because usually he is the only one that can make me feel better and help put things into perspective. Seems like the same here. Sometimes we just need to say (yell, scream, whatever) out loud and have an acutal person listen to us. I am so happy you were able to share and feel better. I think you are going to be a great teacher . . . you've inspired me to get back to exercising!
ReplyDeleteI don't talk to my DH about all the IF drama often, but I probably ought to talk to him about it more and let him have a chance to tell me about his feelings. I'm glad you are feeling better and were able to share with your feelings. I think you'll be a great teacher and I'm glad yo are feeling more confident about it.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad when I unload about IF to DH. In my opinion, he already feels bad enough about it, I don't want to add to his misery by letting him see me cry about it. But he wants to know. He wants to comfort me. I think that's what being a couple is all about. You're there - and want to be there - for each other through good times and bad. We have to let our husbands be there for us.
ReplyDeleteGood news that the teaching seems to be moving in a positive direction. Don't second guess something that's working. Once you have you own class, those kids will become your kids.
i didn't get to comment on your last post before this one came up, but know you were and are in my prayers!!
ReplyDeletesometimes you just have to unload your IF thoughts on the husband.. not in a bad way, but they are sharing journey with you so you need to be on the same page, and be able to support one another.
thats funny that the teacher in you caught my friends son saying "dissolved" - he has always been one of those kids that was wise beyond his years, like having adult like conversations when he was 4.... he's too funny.
Just read your last post and this one together, and I'm so glad you were able to have a good talk with your hubby. I'm so sorry that you've been feeling down. The winter months do tend to feel rather dark and lonely sometimes, and the holidays can be hard. I'll be hoping that you'll find something really fun and interesting to occupy your time in the coming months! Way to go on pursuing your teaching dreams so diligently. I think it's great that you're looking ahead to that bright future. Hope you have a happy Thanksgiving!
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