First of all, thank you again for the prayers...my gallbladder is okay and I won't be foreseeing any surgery on that organ anytime in the near future (Praise God!).
I don't know but this week I've been giving a lot of thought about my IF. I just can't seem to understand why I'm childless. I'm questioning God's reasons. Is it His fault I'm not going to be a mother? Is is mine? Is there fault? I went to Pan.era the other day to work on one of my projects with my group...and there were a few women sitting at a table and one had a newborn. THe baby girl was dressed in all pink and frills...absolutely precious. I had a hard time concentrating on my work. I wanted my own baby to oohhh and ahhh over. As much as I try to not think about it...sometimes it's tough. Will it always be tough? Is this a cross that I'll have to carry for the rest of my life? Will I die with this emptiness? I've now gotten to a point where I can't even bring myself to be "friends" with other couples who are of the child bearing years. I want nothing to do with it(I feel like I have to protect myself from the inevitable hurt). My dh wants to go and have dinner with another couple who are trying to conceive (I know the woman's mother and she told me this info)...and apparently..it hasn't happened yet...it's only been a year. I don't want to talk to them about it. They'll be pregnant soon. I know it. Then they too will be joyful in a place I've had no joy. Has IF brought me joy? No, it's left me empty, sad, I've lost friends, I've lost all confidence in my body and health (hence the stress over the gallbladder saga)...it's left me unable to pray,....do others care about how close I am to Jesus or faith? No, all they see is that I don't have children. If anyone ever tells me that they feel the prejudices of society...boy I can relate and tell them...not having children in today's society of dr made children...really makes me look like the odd girl out. People can't understand or won't accept someone not having children. My brother had the nerve to tell me the other day "If you do IVF or other ART things, you don't have to tell anyone. It can be your secret." I was floored! He had children easily with his soon to be ex-wife! He basically said to me that he didn't recognize my Catholic faith...he thought I could recklessly abandon it. What? I did respond "Yeah, maybe you wouldn't know...but God would and I need God and my faith. I'm sorry you don't recognize the church's teachings. But my dh and I do." I wanted to say that is one reason we have a strong marriage but I didn't want to rub that in his face! I told my dh what my brother said and he got ticked. He thought that said a lot. OH well...even our own family members can be so ignorant.
I don't know...it's getting deep and I just have to accept that there are no answers. I hope being a teacher will help me to cope with being childless. I hope this path God has me on is His answer. I don't know. I guess all I can do is keep praying for acceptance and some kind of "joy" in this childless life I have to live with. I hope I can fill that empty hole. I'm certainly in a place I never dreamed of. I'm keeping all of you in my prayers. God be with you all.
P.S. I've been really bad about praying and going to daily mass lately. I need to get back to my Lord who gives me strength.
I'm sorry that you've been having a rough day lately and that your brother was so inconsiderate. I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI believe it's impossible not to question after so long. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I don't understand God or His ways, and I really don't believe I ever will. I question the pain of IF and its value constantly. I can't help but wonder what's the sense of it if God is going to answer our prayers anyway? And if not, why let us go through this torment, because torment it is? I don't understand why God makes the choice to answer a prayer or not. Why He chooses to sit back and watch us suffer. It's the most frustrating thing.
ReplyDeleteIt's a life time process to try to understand God's reasoning. I don't think it will be possible until after we pass on. Even then, who knows? I guess the trick is to keep trying our best - whatever that is - and hope it all turns our right in the end.
I will be praying for you that God would reveal at least the tiniest bit of how He plans to fulfill your heart's desire to be a mom. I think I remember once that you are listed with an agency there but it wasn't very active- have you ever thought of switching as GIMH or AYWH's agency has advised?
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, I can totally relate to this post!!!! All those questions you're asking I wish there were answers for. IF can really just be such a lonely cross in todays times. I will be praying you!!!!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you're having a hard time. Please know you're not alone. I don't know if that is any comfort...
xo,
Amber
IF blows!!!!!!!!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI don't understand it. I really, really can't wrap my brain around it! ;)
xxoo
Here's a thought that I've had: getting out of the IF mire for just a minute, everyone knows that gals in their 20s and 30s want to get married (if they aren't already). There are exceptions, of course. But most of them do. Have you ever noticed how there are people - not best friends, who tell you everything, but people you know reasonably well - for whom you automatically feel sorry, because they're not married and you know it must be so hard; and others where you'd never even notice they're not married, because it's the very last thing you notice about them, there's so enormously much else there that it fades into irrelevance? That's how I'd like to be about IF. Somewhere into the 100th question a new acquaintance asks a friend of mine after she's met me should be, "Oh, do she and her husband have kids?" Like it's an afterthought after all the things that I do that captured her attention and she wanted to know about first. I don't want to give anyone ten seconds to feel pity for me - I don't want them to have the faintest excuse to. Now, let's see whether I can pull that off.
ReplyDeleteMisfit: I like that thought but I get a feeling when people meet me they automatically think of me as someone who has kids. Maybe because my future degree is early childhood...and therefore people assume I'd have kids since I'm going to be a teacher. I very rarely have an occasion when I meet someone for the first time they don't ask about kids first. IT's crazy. BTW: My dh often gets asked how many kids he has because he too is a teacher. What?
ReplyDeleteA: Yes, we've thought about switching agencies and know this is something we have to do but we were waiting until I was done with classes and student teaching. After that, we'll consider our options but that's a year away! I don't know if I can take another year of this painful waiting and not knowing. hmmm...
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing what you wrote--I honestly couldn't function if I lived with the concept that God didn't want me to have children. I don't think God wants anyone to feel this degree of pain--I think the God in all our lives wants us to survive and keep persevering until we make it to where we need to be--
ReplyDeletewww.wishtobeamommy.com