I could use a friend.

Well, I just finished a hectic school week. I had three projects due...two were group presentations... I can be really silly and comfortable in front of children but put me in front of a group of adults...I freeze..my face turns all hot and red...I'm a mess. I get through it...but I'm not a speech/presenter type. On that thought...I also think...Gosh...I'm pretty confident God wants me on this path to teaching...what if I'm wrong? What if my heart has made a mistake? What if all this work has been for nothing? I felt confident (by God and heart) that I was going to be a parent..strike one. I felt confident in God and heart that we were meant to adopt...strike two. Now is this teaching endeavor strike three? My dh is working hard to come up with the money for grad school so we wouldn't need loans. My dh and I have been making sacrifices. For what? What if I was all wrong? Is this what life is all about? Seeking and not finding? Is this a risk I took that may fail AGAIN?

This IF has been leaving me wondering if anything I've been doing is right? I'm losing all confidence. The two surgeries...medicines..etc...all in vain. God knew all along none would work. I guess the more I try to accept my IF and childlessness...the more I ponder these questions. Will being a teacher be as fulfilling as being a parent? I was hoping to replace one with the other but now I'm not so sure. Do I replace IF with something else? Is this life? Or excuse me...my life?

Another scary thought that has been bothering me is...God can end all of my suffering. I've been thinking about my "end". I can't think He'd end my IF suffering with blessing us with a child...no...He can end my life. Dunzo. I've been imagining my funeral. I know it's depressing and yes,,I've been depressed. I'm so unmotivated. I'm not going on meds...no...I'm going to get through this. November is a hard month for me..shorter days...colder days...I don't know(this happens a lot in Nov). All I've wanted to do is sleep. I barely sub and when I do...I'm tired. I've had more headaches. I keep going(with the help of coffee which I still need to give up). I keep moving. I go to class because I know my dh is working hard to get me there(I get my work done but boy have I been procrastinating). I love him so much. He's my rock. Does he know I've been "depressed"? No. He's been busy working. He works so hard too. I don't want him to know (and I'm good at hiding this kind of thing). This is just a stage and I'll get through it..like always...on my own. I need to exercise..eat right..etc. I can tell you that my IF is NOT helping this zone. Do I feel alone? Yes...especially with IF. Sure I have blogger friends (which is so helpful) but IRL...I really don't have anyone who understands this anguish. No one! My friends all have children (which is a blessing..not too many preg announcements) and they are too busy for me. Part of this is my doing (I'll admit). I guess we just can't relate anymore. I get a ton of ignorant comments too...so I prefer not to discuss this with anyone..even my mother..and I'm close to my parents! Oh well...Christmas is coming...Oh yeah...another reason for serious dullness. I guess I just need to focus on the birth of Christ. I can do that..and try my best to ignore all the family Christmas pictures we receive every year and happy family letters. Great. Maybe this year, I won't put the pictures up...just the cards.

I'm sorry I dumped on you guys. I need a place to vent and this is where I am doing it. I know some of you have been feeling down too. I wish we could just all hug and cry with each other right now. It just seems like everyone is so busy with their own "thing" to even give it a thought that someone may need them (not bloggers). Should I bog my dh with all of this when he's trying to keep us afloat financially (So thankful he has a job)? Ya know...when I typed the word "alone"...I felt a lump in my throat. I cried. Is this childlessness and no hope of a family leaving me feeling alone? Yes! No one has time for me. Okay...I need to be done. I'm not helping myself here. Sorry I dumped but I had to get this off of my chest and now that I got through the school priority...I can now feel. Praying for you all and throwing some prayers in there for me too.

Please God, help me/us to love you more and trust in you! I just have to believe this isolation and pain is part of your better plan for me/us.

I just have to quit asking God why I'm childless and find some peace with it for good! But how? For awhile there...I was doing good...but lately..the reality of it has been lingering...hmmmm.....