is raring it's ugly head again. I was talking to my mother earlier today to check in on her because she is getting over the flu (she's 82 and this flu made her very sick). She proceeds to tell me that she was talking to one of my older brothers...who married a woman 20 years ago who happened to already have a teenage daughter, we'll call her "T". So, I guess this daughter is my step niece..whatever. Anywho, my mom tells me this "secret"...that "T" is pregnant with twins. She got married on the beach in Hawaii....about two and a half years ago. I was told this was a Catholic wedding since a priest did the vows..really? Since when is a wedding Catholic when it's done on a beach? They must have gotten some kind of dispensation on that one, huh? I don't get liberal priests.....cradle Catholics or Catholics who support abor.tion and ga.y marriag.e...and all of things going on in this world. Geesh....
I digress....my mother just ranted and raved about these babies and told me that I needed to pray....for she's not at 3 months yet..blah, blah, blah. My mother was being very insensitive...did she expect me to jump for joy? I'm happy for "T" but I won't be buying a plane ticket to AZ when she has the babies. I guess I just can't relate. My parents will probably travel there...and will need someone to drive with them...it won't be my dh and I. I have no desire.
"T" and I used to be friends and would write letters but not anymore. We are FB friends so I'm sure soon I'll be seeing that big announcement. Maybe I should be happy and doing the happy dance...but today I feel down. Her news reminded me of my own painful cross that I am carrying and will carry for the rest of my life. One day my own nieces will announce pregnancies...it is part of life. People have babies. Just not people like me. Just the other day Dr S. recommended more drugs...more antibiotics...more of this and that...which has not helped me/us....feels so random...pulling at straws. Those dr calls always gets me down. Nothing about IF has been easy. I've worked so hard to lessen the heaviness of it all but sometimes IF becomes heavy again. I work with children and with parents having babies. I am surrounded by it. I took this profession for this is where God led me...thinking He'd make the cross of IF lighter. I guess I've been asking too much.
Okay, I know I'm blabbing but I'm hurting...emotionally. Her news just reminded me of how bad I've wanted a baby. When people say "They deserve this gift for her and her husband are such good people." What? Are my dh and I not good people? I guess I just need to build up some strength to overcome this type of news...to roll with it...or let it roll off of me. I guess my dh and I don't deserve this gift. The gifts God has given us are not gifts people praise...is that what it is? We have a good marriage but in this world of deteriorating marriages and the definition of marriage being changed...having a good marriage isn't praise worthy...right? My mom did try to console me with the gifts I do have but none are "good " news. None of the gifts we have are anything anyone talks about. Our lives are boring. Is that what it is?
I guess today is a day...that I am going to have to work on being thankful for the gifts I do have. I'm thankful I have a blog outlet...for this is a place where there are a few who do understand where I am coming from. First and foremost...no matter how painful this IF cross gets...I'm/we are always going to do what is right in accordance with God and the church. He has His reason for me not being able to have children...like it or not...I have to live with it. Today...I don't like it.
St. Anne...pray for us.
Now, I need to get my hair done and maybe...just maybe...I'll go shopping for myself. It's a temporary fix...but it does make this girl feel better! oh yeah...and some chocolate and a glass of wine at the pro-life dinner we are attending this evening..or maybe two glasses.
Oh JB...We are planning another trip to Ontario!!! Maybe this time around..we can meet up! I'll email you the dates as soon as my cousins confirm!
Oh, I'm so sad for you that you are struggling so much right now.
ReplyDeleteSometimes this cross does feel overwhelmingly heavy. Your phrase "reminded me how bad I want a baby" is an experience I have had often. It's like in the normal day-to-day, while the IF is always there, quietly walking along with me, it does fade to the background, there are even times I'm very aware that I'm doing something or enjoying something I wouldn't be if I were a mother. But then, something always happens to remind me just how badly I want a baby, how badly I want to be a mother and it all comes overwhelmingly rushing back.
Praying for you today extra. Enjoy that glass of wine (or two!) and the chocolate.
I feel your pain. I have two unmarried cousins who have gotten their girlfriends pg in the past few months. It's painful to be around them after struggling for so long. There isn't any justice.
ReplyDeleteOn a happier note: I am so excited about your vacation!!!!! I can't wait to meet you in person!!
I'm so sorry =( That's so hard. The cross of IF is just so heavy! And feels heavier at certain moments. I'm sorry your mom didn't think about how it would make you feel to hear of a pregnancy in a younger relative...I'm sorry anyone would even suggest that someone could "deserve" a child, and by implication others don't deserve one...and I'm sorry you feel like IF treatment is going nowhere.
ReplyDeleteI want to affirm you - your marriage IS a gift! You're exactly right. I too feel like that isn't talked enough about, but you and your husband are already a family and your bond of love is a great gift to the Church, to your other family members, to the whole world! I think that is very, very praiseworthy
Sending you prayers today and hoping the cross gets (or at least feels) lighter soon.
Praying for you extra! Yes, this cross can feel too heavy at times.
ReplyDelete"It is part of life. People have babies. Just not people like me."
ReplyDeleteI think this is my entire spirituality in a nutshell. (What, it's supposed to mention God or something?) I'm not allowed to lament that my cross is so heavy it will destroy me, and refuse to live my life. I'm not allowed to wish that ANYONE else would carry even a SLIVER of my cross for even a DAY. And if someone is insensitive or callous or cruel or vain or wallows in an ill-considered litany of her own blessings or trivializes my difficulties or pushes me away so as to avoid looking suffering in the eye or even tells me that God made her a mother and me infertile because He must have realized I would do a bad job with children, I don't get to stab her, AND I don't get to content myself with the happy thought that a special place in hell has been prepared for her. No; I have to spend all my extra free time (you know, the time she's spending changing diapers) praying for her soul.
So my spirituality isn't so much about a conception of Christ - it's the gradual accustomed-ness to the understanding that there's my God (the infertile God), and then everyone else's.
Surprisingly, I've found a lot of peace in that. You can live happily with "totally unfair" if you stop thinking it ought to become fair.
"There is my God (the infertile God), and then everyone else's."
DeleteThis really resonated with me as I so often feel the exact same way--if you switch "infertile God" with "the God who keeps me alone and lonely", I mean.
Please forgive what seems like a comparison between infertility and being single (but longing to be married); it is unintended. Rather, the feeling of my God/their God, is what I can relate to.
Except that there is only one God. The God who blesses the deserving with children and punishes the wicked with infertility? The God who makes sure that everyone gets their happy ending?.....that God doesn't exist.
DeleteThe infertile God is the God incarnate in Jesus Christ who was crucified, died, buried.....and then resurrected.
I don't go around predicting who will go to heaven and hell. I have no idea, and that's not my job, anyway. But I can guarantee you that to pour salt into the wound of an infertile is NOT to know God.
I'm so sorry you are hurting.
ReplyDeletePraying for you!