The failed adoption: The Power of Forgiveness

Thankfully, we know there is a happy ending to this story with little "T" in our lives now but when this all was happening...it was very hard.  I'm going to write this month by month for it makes it easy for me to document.  I hope by sharing this story it will help others who are wanting or planning on adopting.  I think it's good for others to be aware. You have to trust but if you start to see too many warning flags...you need to weigh the risks.

Nov 2015
We get a call from the agency that we are being matched with a birthmother "Donna"(not her real name). She's a birthmother in another state who has seven children and has already placed one baby for adoption. The baby boy was due Feb 2016. The birthfather was in agreement with the adoption plan. We thought this sounded good.  I call Donna and she called me back and we talked for about 2 hours.  She asked me if I ever endured a failed adoption and I said "No" and found that question to be odd. I let it go.  We talked about everything.  The one thing about Donna is that she needed quite a bit of financial help with expenses.  I mean ALOT!  We figured since she had so many children at home...it made sense.  By the end of Nov, we had hired a lawyer and started to send the lawyer money to help pay the birthmother expenses.  We also had plans on going to meet the birthmother and her family.  We were going to go to a dr's apt to hear the baby's heart beat.  We are about to leave and Donna texts me that one of her children have the stomach virus.  We go anyways and on the day of the dr's appt...Donna texts me that she now has the virus and so do a few other children.  We plan on going to her home quickly to meet since we drove eight hours to meet her.  We did meet her but it was quick.

Upon seeing where Donna lived with her family, we understood why she was placing her baby.  She was poor...very poor. 

Dec 2015
We go down to visit this mother again to go to another drs appointment since we didn't get to go the last visit.  Once again, she texts me on day of apt and tells me that she had to change the apt to a later time because dad was at work and couldn't watch the younger children still at home.  Lawyer advises us to change our plans....we decided to spend another night and we did make the dr's appointment.  The birthmother was very nervous about us going to this dr visit and she told us that she hadn't let the dr know she was placing her baby.  She told the dr we were friends from out of town.  We were not comfortable with this but let it go.  We were growing weary but Donna could explain this away.

Since we spent another night, we brought dinner to her home and met her children (all healthy now) and her met the birth father.  It was a nice visit.  We played games with the kids.  Donna even gave us some baby things she no longer needed. 

We go down to visit Donna and her family again before Christmas and we go to another dr's visit and hear the heart beat.  The dr asks us to leave the exam room so she could talk to Donna.  Donna tells us that she told the dr of her plans, etc. she also tells us that the baby may come early. We have lunch with her and she asked if we had named the baby.  We had so we shared the name we had in mind.  I have to add that Donna told me from the beginning that this was MY baby and there was no doubt in her mind about placing.  After this visit with Donna and her family, we feel good about this adoption and start to get excited.

We also make plans for me to go down there early to help Donna until baby is born.  We were spending weekends at a nice and accommodating condo and we planned on me staying there.

Soon after Christmas, Donna stops responding to my texts and doesn't answer my calls.  We called the lawyer and come to find out that Donna is now "wavering" on her decision.  What?  Donna basically tells the lawyer she needs space and time to sort this out.  Lawyer informs Donna that no more expenses will be paid because she is now on the "fence" about placing. 

Jan 2015

We give Donna space and I no longer text her.  Donna texts me about coming down but I had a dentist appointment so I couldn't go.  We continue to text and I just let her reach out to me.  We are now not feeling good about this at all but hang on.

Towards the middle of the month, Donna's house burns down.  I kid you not!  Her and her family get out safely but they lose everything.  We find an article on the internet that talks about how Donna had a nursery.  What?  We talk to lawyer (who was outstanding in guiding us) and of course, Donna explains that she was not ready to tell the world about her plans to place.  We are growing weary but move on.....we thought about backing out. Donna even told us she wanted to place more since her family was homeless now and living in hotels. They eventually find another home to rent.

End of Jan, I move down to this state in hopes to help Donna and be there when the baby is born.

Feb 2015

I am now living in another state by myself.  My dh can't stay with me but comes downs every weekend.  Donna does not have much to do with me.  I did meet her for dinner with her children and she hands me some checks back.  We helped her pay rent. She gave me the rent checks back which I find to be odd.  I take the checks and give them back to the lawyer.  I never felt good about staying down there but I just lived day by day and did what I could be stay busy.

 At this point, we are going to hang on until the baby is born. 

Finally, third week of Feb, the baby was one week overdue, we get a call from the lawyer that Donna is being induced baby is on the way!  After spending a month by myself in this condo...I am so relieved....I cry.  My dh is heading back down and this time we will be together and when he goes home...I will be going home with him. 

Baby boy is born that evening...Donna tells us that she wants time with him alone to make her decision.  The hsp counselor, nurses, etc are all trying to counsel Donna in placing the baby. They all knew what was best for this child.

 The next morning, the counselor and lawyer talk to her and Donna tells them she is not going to place the baby.  That morning we find out from the professionals involved that she was never going to place her baby and she connected with us for the money.  Wow.

Donna texts me later that afternoon that she is sorry that she is not going to place, she will try to pay us back (um....no you are not) and she believes we'll be connected with another family.  I didn't respond to this text.  I've always responded....I had nothing nice to say or wanted anymore communication with this woman.  My dh and I packed my things and the next morning we headed home....I forgave her. 

Somehow and someway, I was able to forgive this woman.  We know that her oldest daughter (12 years old) is going to be a pseudo mommy.  A lot of things happened after this child was born that was not going to make Donna happy.  Instead of being a joyous occasion, her life became full to turmoil...we heard.  I felt bad for her.  I needed to move on and one way to do that was to forgive her.  I felt bad and still feel for those children.  How are they going to respect that woman...a few of them were old enough to understand why we were there!

Anyways....We went into this with trusting hearts.  We learned a lot and came out stronger.  God told me often to be strong for the baby during that time. He wasn't talking about Donna's baby. Soon after we returned home, the agency extended our contract (for it ended in Dec) and in April we got the call we've been praying for.   IF we hadn't stuck it through...we would not have gotten the extended contract. We wanted to move on and the only way to do that was to forgive her...so we did.  God gave us the strength to forgive!

 The adoption story will be for another post.