On being a mother...life is different

Well...little "T" is now five weeks and I can say the reality of parenting has set it...it's no longer surreal like it felt for the first two or three weeks.  I still can't believe I'm a mother and I sometimes still feel so unworthy.  I never ever thought God would bless us with a child...never.  But He did and she's here. 

Things have certainly changed.  Thank God my dh has embraced being a father and he is all hands on with helping.  He works all day and comes home and is ready to change diapers, feed and soothe the baby.  He wants to give me a break.  When I'm home all day....it's about "T" and nothing much else gets done.  I was blessed the other day to have a friend come over and take care of "T" so I could get some work done around the house, I actually cleaned my cats water fountain, and I took a midday nap.  My parents live by and have been wonderful with helping me as well.  My mother can not get enough of the baby and enjoys spending time with her. 

Sometimes when others are taking care of "T" I can give the kitty's a little needed attention.  Our one cat is now very much a "big" brother.  He is not as mischievous at all and he looks in on the baby.  IT's really cute to see how his behavior has changed.  The female cat is very indifferent. 

I only work about five hours a week and should be doing some office/paperwork time but I have not gotten to that yet.  I am really behind....someday I will catch up.  It's hard to work and do therapy when all I want to do is stay home with my dh and baby.   I have to work to keep my credential. 

I really don't have much "me" time anymore. Heck, I had almost fourteen years of "Me" time so I don't miss it that much.  It has been an adjustment to not be able to do what I want when I want.  My dh and I don't eat dinner together all the time anymore.  I actually started to make dinner again last week...which felt like a real treat. 

Besides all that, we took "T" to her pediatrician today and she's growing and thriving.  We have some concerns with some feeding issues and the dr thinks it could be acid reflux.  So we are trying a new formula and hoping that will help our little one.  It's all trial and error...with parenting...I've felt completely helpless and clueless.  Somehow we are all managing and we are all learning. 

I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining...I'm not.  Life is just so different.  I saw my therapist today and we talked about how everything has changed so much.  People have been so supportive and loving towards "T" and the adoption.  The outpouring of love has been so amazing.  People I quit talking too because they had children and I didn't...are now talking to me.  We are connecting with people we haven't talked to in years.  I love sharing our daughter with others.  Her story is a  great one to tell....and we'll let her share it when she's older. 

Someday I will write about the failed adoption and the roller coaster ride we were on....we had to endure that...to have little "T" in our lives.  Honestly, I spent a whole month in another state...I still wonder how I got through that.  I was alone...no dh, no cats, no family.  Actually the resort where I lived for that month was empty...I was the only one there...talk about alone.  I didn't sleep until I had too.  I am going to write about it because I know others are looking to adopt and what happened to us...can happen to others.  In domestic adoption, there is a level of trust that has to be there....one birth-mom took advantage of that. 

Thankfully, our story ended well....we have "T".   We have forgiven that birthmother...God really gave me the strength to be able to move on and look forward.  Really.