I wonder if all the sadness around me has finally gotten to me but lately I've been feeling pretty down and out. It's been really nice out and I'm enjoying long walks, listening to the birds, spring storms...you get the picture but down deep inside...I'm struggling.
First, my dh said something last week that has really designated with me. We talked about God's will and I always have said "If it's God's will..we will be parents through adoption."...I tell him that all the time. Well, my dh said "God also gives us free will and we may never adopt because women have the free will to ab.ort. Our society is a culture of death not pro-life. Ab.ortion is not God's will...it's human will. Therefore, it may be God's will for us to adopt but because of the evil in our society...it may not happen." Wow. I was blown out of this world. He's right. My dh does believe that it's because of human will that we are not parents.
Now, I've seen a few other couples out in the blog world who have seemed to adopt pretty easily...maybe because they know someone, they know an adoption lawyer, they have some in? Maybe. I don't know. I believe it was God's will for them but somehow God's will is not going to be for us? I don't know. I thought HIS will was stronger than any evil? Maybe not? Hmmmmm......God's will is about love...so if a woman loves her baby enough and thinks about the baby and not herself....adoption is a beautiful way to grow a family. I do pray every day...for the end of abor.tion and openness to life. My dh got me thinking and feeling like our plan to adopt may never happen. There is one reality out there though...there are more couples out there waiting to adopt then there are babies to adopt. If you look at all the agencies out there and how many couples waiting...that is a truth. +sigh+
Speaking of adoption...the agency that is marketing us have sent our profile to more birth mothers and we are being viewed on the net. Should make us happy right? Well, my dh then says.."How many other profiles are sent out with ours? There are so many other couples waiting, what makes us special?" Yes, he's being "negative nelson"...but he's right. He did take notice that there are many many other couples this agency is working with. I noticed that before we signed any contracts...he didn't really look...now he does it when we are all done with our home study and now he's thinking this place may not help us. Is he keeping it real or is he just really thinking...we may need to give up? He hasn't contacted any adopti.on lawyer.s either....he isn't sure we'll need one. +sigh+
Now I guess you can see why I'm feeling the way I am. Remember, I've only given you somewhat of an overview of what is going on. There's also been some issues with my job..not with my families or kiddos but with the lady who runs the place where I get my referrals from. Long story, I won't get into it.
Maybe this waiting and unknowns is wearing my dh out. He has no hope. He's told me "I'm done." He's sick of every effort we put forth to becoming parents has ended with just us..and two cats. I'm wondering if this new adoption journey just came too late for us......but we are in the thick of it and somewhere in us we need to find some strength to make this work if we are ever connected with a birth mother. I'm running out of steam too. I don't know. If God's will can't help us...then where do we go from here?
St. Michael, pray for us and keep the devil away from us!
I'm so sorry. :( Hugs!
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading, especially through what your husband said, I thought, "Maybe the devil is trying to bring them down?" And then you ended the post with a prayer to St. Michael to keep him away. What horrible things he can do. Puts doubt in our mind and sadness in our hearts. I really, really pray that you meet your forever baby soon!
Thanks! I do believe that...it just doesn't feel right that my dh is so negative about this new adoption journey.
DeleteIt sounds like you have a lot going on. Ive been feeling down lately too, for similar reasons, and mostly just feeling sorry for myself. I do think human free will can lead to negative consequences, like our infertility, but also that God can make good out of our human sin. It seems like God has guided you through open doors to this point on your adoption journey, so i hope, pray, and believe it was for a reason, that one day you become parents. This is all so tough in the wait, and emotional ups and downs.
ReplyDeleteAdoption is a scary unknown journey just like IF treatments. I keep thinking of 1 John ch 4 I think "greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world" and "perfect love casts out fear" It is ok to be tired and "done" for awhile to take some time to rest. Maybe going on a retreat, even if it is just a one day would be a good idea. Of there are none around you can plan a small one day outing for you and your DH to pray, read scripture or a spiritual book together and go to confession and Mass. Sometimes we need God to refresh us during a desolate time and we need to focus more in Him and our relationship with Him above all else. Just a thought. Praying for you and your DH.
ReplyDeleteI love those ideas...My dh and I are talking about going to a shrine this summer....we've always found doing that to be refreshing and puts us back in connection with our God and our faith.
DeleteI think the weariness of waiting gets to us all. I will be praying for you both!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry! Much like Stephanie, I was thinking this sounded like a spiritual attack. I will be asking St. Michael and St. Joseph to intercede for you.
ReplyDeleteI am beginning to feel that too. I feel he is just not going to get his hopes up.
DeleteIn our adoption journey my dh is 100% positive while I feel guarded, not necessarily negative. After so many years of disappointments it's hard to feel like it's all going to work out, although our process, thus far, has been easier than IF treatments.
ReplyDeleteYou two continue to be in my prayers!!!!
Good point,,,,I really feel our adoption process has been easier than IF treatments...especially on me!
DeleteI know much of the IF treatment journey is learning that you're not in control, but it sounds like this part of the adoption process is really hard and a bit scary because everything is out of your hands (unless you try to do your own networking to find a birthmom) and it's totally up to someone else to decide if you will raise their child. I know there are no guarantees, but you've done your part. I hoping for the best for you! I'm praying for you and your husband as you wait.
ReplyDeleteThanks! Not being able to do anything but wait is tough...tougher than I thought.
DeleteThis is a bit late, but I wanted to add that I will also be praying for you. My husband and I are just beginning to talk about the adoption process, and it is SO overwhelming. I feel ready, but he is very hesitant. So, while I have no answers per say, I can certainly relate to how you are feeling. It's scary, there is no way around it! But if we give our fears to God, we can trust that He will make them into something beautiful. Easier said than done, I know :) Prayers for you and your husband, that you have a wonderful Holy Week and find some peace!!!
ReplyDelete