I ache.

That about sums up how I am feeling right now. As unbelievable it is...we got yet another call for another adoption. This was again from our agency and after we expressed that we did NOT want any calls until I was done s. t'ing (by now everyone knows what those initials are, right? Oh yeah..raspberries inserted here). Dang it! Of course, I heard the words...this b/m wants a good Catholic family. (Insert tears and pounding here). Ugh! The baby is due in Sept. I'd have to give up st'ing...there's no other way this could happen. I'd have to notify the Univ. as soon as possible (that is the right thing to do). Sure sounds good...but it would be on a risk. First, the b/m may not chose us at all...or she could chose us...and then change her mind when the baby comes. My heart is telling me to throw caution to the wind...take the risks....but my mind says "Whoa girl! That's a huge risk! You've been working very hard on your cert/degree. You've put in time, sweat and some tears. You are almost done! Teaching is God's plan for you!" So hard. My dh is not on board with this one anyway...he's got a gut this wouldn't be a good time. The agency asked if we could find daycare, etc...for a newborn? I've waiting all this time to be a mother and to put the baby in daycare? Not a chance and not a newborn. I want to hold and bond with my baby...smell my baby...love my baby. So, I guess the whole timing thing answers everything. Ugh! Lord, Give me strength! I never ever thought I'd be thinking about this. Ugh! IF your wondering,,,the answer is "no" on this one. I still struggle...I still ache.

There are no words to describe how hard it is for us to say "No" to these potential adoptions. So hard..it's distressing. I had an exam Thursday and in the car I cried. I just want to do what is right. For the life of me, I can't figure out why now? We had three years where we could have been more open and there would have been more "yes" answers. But now...when we just can't find ways to make it work....there are calls. How ironic is that? Is God testing me? Is He?


On a lighter note....I bought a really cute summer dress for my upcoming 40th bday party in a few weeks. It was flirty, cute, girly and perfect (I already had shoes to match and jewelery). Well...perfect until I took it home and put it on again. It was then I noticed that the dress showed too much cleavage. When my dh got home...that was the first thing he noticed too. He didn't like the dress. I did the right thing...I returned it. The good news is that I went to another store and found another perfect dress (no boobage showing either)! And.......because it was buy one and get one free sale day...I got a nice shirt for free! I couldn't be happier! Woo hoo! I can wear this dress when I teach too. God is good!

I guess the moral of my story is...when one does the right thing and follows God's plans...something better is out there...something right. I'm not looking for the "perfect" baby or "perfect" situation....I'd be looking for a long time. I know one day something will have to give whether it be my dream teaching job or something else. I guess we are thinking st'ing is not the right thing to give up...not now anyway. God bless you all and happy 4th!

**As a side note*** there are other couples waiting to adopt within our agency...plenty of them. We were not by any means the only couple asked for this baby. Just like the last one...we were "competing" with five other couples...that is what making adopting with this agency so risky!** IF we were the only couple...I'd probably be willing to risk st'ing.