Since my dh started the new school year today (his students start Wednesday, today is meetings and setting the room up)...and he had to get up early...I decided to get up early too and get myself used to that routine again. I'm not much of an early morning person...so I need to train myself. I'm sure in the next few weeks the calls to sub will start coming and I will have to be up with my game face on!
Anyway...I sat and watched the children around me get on the big yellow bus this am (the district by me kids started today)...including my neighbor's little boy who started kindergarten . I was sad because if my dh and I got pregnant when we first started trying...we too could have a kindergartner starting school today. That child was so excited. Mom and Dad teach in the same district as my dh so they had to leave early but they had a friend come and videotape getting this child on the bus. I watched behind my semi closed blinds. I was reminded of what I'm missing out on but it's not my fault! I don't have control...God does and I just have to believe something better is out there for us. Will all of this change when I'm a teacher myself and I'm waiting on my students on the first day of school? I'll be too busy to think much about how I am feeling or that I 'll never have that moment of sending a little one on that bus? I hope so..especially since I'm pretty sure once I start teaching...we might quit TTC altogether. At some point...giving up will be inevitable. My heart is sad and I feel empty. Since it's a gorgeous morning....warm and sunny...I'm going to go for a walk...and then maybe cut our grass, run some errands and get my stuff ready for my own classes. I know I've mentioned that I will be busy with 2 classes this fall...and I'm thinking that is a good thing.
My girlfriend brought up a good point awhile ago and my mom reiterated this point to me recently...have I accepted God's will for me? They don't think I have. I don't think so either. If I have accepted it...then we wouldn't be doing meds and I'd be okay hanging out with couples who have babies and are announcing their joyous pregnancies....to this day...that is still hard for me. I used to make myself put my happy face on and go see the new babies...blah,blah, blah but lately...I've no desire to be around "friends " who are still having children. I don't feel a connection with them anymore...and I hate pretending I'm happy and okay. Don't get me wrong...it's great they are having children and I hope goes well..really...I'm not ever going to be vindictive and wish bad things....I guess them having babies reminds me of our failure or my failure. I feel like a failure for myself. Is it jealousy? I think some and some feeling left out and behind...will it ever go away? Will I ever totally accept God's will for my family? How do I accept His will? Those will be the answers that I will be seeking in my prayers. I'm working on offering up my suffering to the Lord too and I think about and pray for all of you who don't have children and know my struggles. Am I extremely emotional today...oh yeah. **sigh**
I think everything you're saying and feeling is perfectly reasonable. I haven't accepted God's will either. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to. It may not happen until I'm well into my 2nd century and lying on my death bed. I suppose working on it is something to keep you busy. I could think of other ways to keep busy - let's see, a baby would be one - but it's not happening.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can find your answers soon.
This may sound nuts...but how does one "work on it" without making one miserable???? I.E..going to a house where a couple has children and all they can talk about is their children....I have nothing to share in that category...therefore I feel uncomfortable and sad that I can't relate (knowing all to well, I'd love to be in their shoes). Is there an easy answer?
ReplyDeleteThere is no easy answer and yes, sometimes you have to make the effort even when doing so is hard on you. Is there any way to have other topics to talk about? What is going on at Church? Your classes? Things that interest you. I'm not suggesting at all that it is easy and truth be told, sometimes you have to cut off or limit contact if doing so causes you to go to a negative place. I actually spend more time playing with the kids at my friends' houses than I do talking to the moms.
ReplyDeleteBut also, don't overlook the fact that you may just not have anything much in common with these friends anymore. That happens all the time in many friendships.
Accepting his Will is a lifelong journey for everyone. I don't think it will ever come easy because we want to understand WHY and the WHY isn't meant for us to understand. My only advice is to not let IF be all-consuming. To do so is to ignore all the other blessings you have in your life. Months ago when I was in such a dark place, I decided not to talk about (well, "complain" is a better word) IF/miscarriages for more than 15 minutes a day. I also tried to limit how much I researched about it. I only talked to DH about all of this stuff and I know it was becoming so consuming and draining for both of us to be sad all the time. It wasn't a fix-all I assure you, but it did force me to start focusing on other things.
I am so sorry you are in such a sad place right now. We all spend time there and everything you are feeling is completely understandable. Big hugs and prayers for you.
As the other commenters said, accepting God's Will is a lifelong journey. We don't know what God's Will is for us; we are just have to accept that His Will leads to our salvation. You won't know until afterwards whether God's Will is for you to have a child or not. I definitely agree it's important for you to find something else that you are able to focus on so that you aren't constantly in dealing with the frustration and sadness.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on starting your class . . . don't forget to tell us about it. I loved school, but it's been such a long time since I've been in a classroom. I think I'd be so intimidated.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to share this beautiful novena with you. It was given to me by a friend who is a Catholic homeschooling Mom of nine children and an author. She told me that she and a group of couples suffering from infertility prayed this novena and in the next year every one of them were blessed with a child!
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Novena to JPII for _______ to conceive a baby.
Dear John Paul II, servant of God, we believers of the Most Holy Trinity; Mary, the mother of God; St. Joseph; and the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church are united in prayers with those on the Catholic-Fertility list.
Dear John Paul II, servant of God, who are already in heaven, this is a novena for your intercession that __________ becomes pregnant and delivers a healthy baby who will glorify and praise God.
For people certain things are impossible to attain and sometimes people are unable to understand God's will, but we deeply believe in your intercession, JPII. You always defended children, especially the unborn ones, and you loved them above all. Please look at _________ who is asking for biological children. Look at the tears in her eyes begging to become a mother.
St Ann, you gave birth at a late age to our Queen of Heaven and Earth, the Most Holy Mary. That is what God wanted. With God nothing is impossible.
We believe that God, Creator of heaven and earth, will look kindly upon _______ and give her the blessing, through Mary, the Virgin Mother of God and JPII, of becoming a mother of her biological and adopted children whom she will love and thank God for.
Deal JPII, please help our prayers to be answered and that _____________'s womb be filled with the beating heart of a tiny baby. We already give you thanks and sincerely believe in your intercession to God.
Dear JPII, your beloved mother also asked God for you to be born. Please remember our prayers. Amen
Thank you Maria Therese! I will try this novena. :) I feel so blessed to have blogger friends who share such beautiful novena's and prayers.
ReplyDeleteActually, I meant pray this novena. LOL...lately, words are not coming to me.
ReplyDeleteOh PJ, I'm sorry you were having such a tough beginning to the week. I pray that it got better. Accepting God's will comes in waves. Some days it's easy and other days not so much. God knows this and I believe that He is overjoyed at us just trying. Hang in there. I'm praying for you.
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