I'm going to try and keep this blog post as short as possible. . I really don't think adoption will work out for us. I just have such a strong feeling in my heart. I knew going into it that it might not work. It really was our last attempt to grow our family.
With that, I have to accept my life and the cross of childlessness. It has not been easy. I actually don't feel too comfortable sharing too much on this blog since so many readers now have children and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or feeling pity. I also don't have a lot of support on this blog (or IRL since we didn't tell too many people we were trying to adopt again). My parents don't even know of our recent non-adoption journey.
I will share one step I have finally made to getting myself mentally and emotionally healthy. I have made contact with a therapist. This therapist is Catholic ( super important to me). My first appt is next week. I can't get healthy without help. I do recognize that. My dh is very supportive of my reaching out. He knows I'm in pain and knows this 12 year journey has been filled with very difficult moments. I know there is nothing wrong with reaching out for help. Not sure how all of this is going to look but I do know I'm tired. I just know I need to do something.
I haven't given up on the Lord or His plan for me. I actually gravitate towards it. I know He has something better planned out there for me. I need to trust. It's His will not mine. I need the church. I love singing in the choir and praying to Him through song. Sometimes I feel like He's not there when I pray...but He is. There is a reason He hasn't answered my prayers for a child. I also pray to our Blessed Mother to lead and guide me. I love my faith and our Lord.
I know I'm not the only one that is going to be or is childless on this blog. I know I'm not the only one who deals with depression. I know we all have crosses that at times will just feel too heavy to carry as mine feels that way now. Once I figure out what "acceptance" is going to look like for me...I think I will feel better. I just can't envision what that means for me.
Looks like I have a lot of work ahead of me. I will get there. No rush, but I will get there. Thank you so much for the prayers as I continue on this prayerful journey of accepting the Lord's will for my life.
As a side note: My mom has been doing better. She was recently diagnosed with having Osteoporosis and she was told surgery wouldn't help her back but she just needed to keep resting and she needed a walker. She was basically told to accept her situation. I continue to try to help her as much as I can. After all, she did a lot for me. Now it's time for me to pay it forward.
You aren't alone. I'm praying for you and your journey. Mine is also a journey with no child in my arms and no immediate possibility for adoption. God bless you. We walk this together <3
ReplyDeleteThank you.....It's good to know I'm not alone but I wish no one would have to walk this journey.
DeletePrayers.. Feel we're in the same boat.
ReplyDeletePraying for you as well.
DeleteAcceptance is so, so hard. God bless you as you continue this journey - even though it is hidden from most people, God sees your heart and your love for Him even in the midst of your very real suffering. IF and childlessness is such a heavy cross to carry. I pray the Lord brings you His peace and lets you know his love! (On a related side note, the best book I ever read about acceptance was Fr. Jacques Phillipe, Spiritual Freedom - I recommend it highly. It really helped me on my own IF acceptance journey.) Hugs and prayers!
ReplyDeleteI thank you for your kind words...and I will look into that book. I do enjoy reading.
DeleteThank you for sharing. Wish I had the words to say. I have had good come from therapy, so I pray it is helpful. My therapist was also Catholic and I agree that is super important.
ReplyDeleteThanks and not only will I have a lot of work so will the therapist....being childless and all is not an easy task at hand. I don't think there is an easy answer...just maybe a different way of looking at things.
DeleteMy heart aches for (and with) yours right now. Therapy? I've been there, too. Acceptance??... I don't know. I do know that at some point, each of us must grieve. We must grieve the emptiness. I wish I knew you in real life or that, somehow, we could talk in person. It sounds like we are in very similar places in life. For now, I guess I'll just write... and hope that our paths will cross again. May God bless and keep you in a special way in the days ahead. <3
ReplyDeleteMy dh feels that I have been grieving for the last 12 years. LOL, There are stages of grief...he feels I haven't gotten to acceptance. I agree with him. I wish we could talk as well. My email is prayfuljourney7@gmail.com. I'd talk to you on phone as well. We can discuss over email.
DeleteI just tried e-mailing you at the address you shared. It came back as a "permanent failure" to deliver. My e-mail is aliveinhope03@gmail.com if you'd like to try this in reverse. :)
DeleteContinued prayers for your mom. I can relate so much to your words. No living child and not moving toward adoption again at this time and maybe never. I started seeing a therapist last month and I wish I would have gone sooner. It has been such a blessing to me to get help for all aspects of my health, mental included. Praying for you and hoping this new step in healing bears much fruit for you.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I kind of wish I had done therapy sooner as well. I guess it's not too late. That is great that you are reaching out in therapy as well. It is the right thing to do in our type of situation.
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