When I say "it" I am referring to infertility. I want to move on. I want to put it behind me. I want to forget about it .....but right now...it's not happening. I just finished a round of proge.sterone to see if it would help my cyst go away. Today I had to go to the hsp for the u/s for there were no openings at the clinics in the area during the week that would suit my working hours. I work until 4pm. Really? I'm not going to take off of work to do this stuff (which is a nice word to use...I was thinking of other words). So, I had to have the belly one (I grow cysts not babies) and the other one ( we all know what that one is). Ewe. Anyway..the appt wasn't bad just the thought.
I know God wants me to be a teacher...fine..then let me be a healthy one. But no, I'm a teacher with unhealthy lady parts, broken, junk, no good, useless....I can go on but won't. This is my cross. I'm reminded every month. I'm reminded more than any one can know that I am infertile. This cross gives me physical pain. Pain I often go to my student's with carrying it quietly...attending to their needs and working on forgetting my own. Sure,I'm going (hopefully) to have surgery AGAIN this summer but will it end there? I know it won't. My dh can't forget either. He knows I have these appts, he knows I didn't enjoy taking progesterone in my lady part, he knows I have pain. He knows he can't do anything about it but listen to me and help me through it as best as he can (which is very sweet indeed).
I've been told the pain of IF never goes away even some of you who have babies never forget. On the most part, when I'm busy with the students, I can forget (not once a month though). I do try put it behind me but in the big picture of life...I'll never be able to forget. There are babies everywhere. That's okay..the babies are God's plan to keep life going (and in reality this babies could be my future students right?). I enjoy my job. The kids make me laugh, smile and when they hug me, I know it's because they need that touch more than I do. Daily someone is telling me "I love you Ms "J"." Sweet...but none of that takes away IF. It's there...it's part of my life and Lord willing...the physical pain of it will subside again once I have the surgery.
I guess sometimes IF beats me down. Somedays...the cross is heavy...somedays...I rant.
Oh I am so sorry your cross is feeling so heavy today. I love the days when I get home and realize I was so lost in work that I didn't think about IF - and then I realize that I just thought about IF. It's a vicious cycle (in more ways than one).
ReplyDeleteSending many prayers and lots of love your way. Sts. Gianna, Gerard, and Catherine of Siena pray for us!
My heart broke reading this post as I have been feeling the same way... This cross is heavy in so many ways but I know the Lord will never abandon us. Praying for you and your upcoming surgery!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you're feeling down. You're not carrying your cross alone, we're here to help you when it's feeling heavy.
ReplyDelete:( So sorry. I remember those feelings so vividly. Wish I could lift that cross right off of you! You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you are feeling such pain. It does feel like such a terrible burned to bear at times.
ReplyDeleteI really wih I could tell you it goes away completely. It doesn't. But it does get better. Mostly.
Praying for you!
I know what you mean. Being in physical pain on a regular basis, always having a hole in your heart, just becomes part of the wallpaper of our lives. And once in a while you pause to take stock of things and realize how tired you are from carrying a mountain around all the time.
ReplyDeleteThere better be a medal for this.
Thanks for the comments ladies...it "IF" is hard to carry on with at times. I think the medal will come when I make it to heaven. It's when I face the Good Lord will I know why I was chosen to carry this cross.
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