Battling

I've been battling a few things lately hence why I haven't been posting.  I will start with my mother's health.  My parents are older.  Some of you have grandparents who are my parents age.  My parents are not going to live forever.  I know that, I get that but accepting that is really tough.  Four weeks ago, my mom went to the hsp for chest pain.  It wasn't heart related (Thank God) but because she fell, she had inflammation of the tissue around her ribs and she was miserable. She thought she was having a heart attack.  The pain meds made her feel worse...they upset her stomach. So, for a week, I went to their house daily and checked in on her status.  I wasn't mad that she was in the hsp but mad because my dad told no one.  I live four blocks away.  I could have been there.   I hadn't called them since my older brother was just at their house visiting...and it was after his visit...her health declined.  I had a blunt but gentle discussion about the fact that if she did indeed have a heart attack and she died...no one would have been there for my mom...but my dad.  She has not been the same since all of this and this week will have more tests done....and it's scaring me.  I know I don't need my mommie anymore since I'm a grown woman myself...but it is comforting to hear her voice.  I've been blessed with awesome parents and they have been around and healthy longer than I expected but that doesn't change the fact that  I will miss them when God calls them home.  It's a tough "thing" to swallow.  It will be hard to lose them...but it is a fact of life as my dh will point out....and I'm just struggling with it.  I truly dread the days of their passing...but it's going to happen...I will have to get through it. 

Also, things are really not going well with my job.  I like the job, love the kids and families but lately it's been hard to keep up my caseload.  When a child turns three...my services are no longer needed and most of my kids are turning three soon and I'm not getting any replacements.   My dh thinks it's time to reconsider teaching.  This whole situation is wearing me down.  I have to work.

Also, no news on the adoption front.  Ugh.  I can't say anymore on that.  But we have a little over one year of our contract time left....and not knowing how the journey will end is just a battle.  I need to let it go.  God calls us all to carry different crosses and live His will and I really have come to believe His will for my dh and I is to be childless. No matter what we do, what situation is presented to us, there is always someone else...our answer has always been "No".  There will always be this whole in my heart...I will have to live with it forever and die with it.  Like death, childlessness is a fact of my life.  My parents will go home to God and I will live forever without children to call my own.

For now, I'm trying really hard to enjoy time with my parents...they live close so I can stop in often and I call as much as I can.  I had a sore throat last weekend so I stayed away since my mom is weak and I don't want to get her sick.  My mom's bday is coming up soon...I will cherish it.  If I get another Christmas...I will cherish that too. 

I do continue to work out even though the last month was a struggle.  It does keep my mind off of my life when I'm doing zumba or yoga...it's good to let it all go..even for a moment.  I joined the church choir too...like my mom stated "singing is like praying twice."  So true.

I think it's time to start the "Knot" novena as well.  Sometimes, there are battles in life...sometimes they just feel hard to fight.  If you could spare a prayer for my mother's health...I would appreciate it.  Thanks.