We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us (or that God has planned for us). by Josep.h Campb.ell
Since I don't have time to get into reading a novel, I recently bought a Chick.en Sou.p book called Thin,.k Posi.tive to help me get some good thoughts in my head before I go to sleep every night. I also read My Daily Eucharist for a more spiritual perspective too. Anyways, this quote came up the other night and someone also posted this quote (a little different variation) on F.B. I began to wonder if God was trying to tell me something. It is so true to my life. So I ask "Am I hanging onto the life I want?"
Since I was a young child, I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I can't deny that. I guess that is why we are giving it once last attempt to try to have our own baby. We had given up and I resonated that I was just going to teach God's babies...and that was that. We found happiness and contentment in the life God had given to us (on the most part). Then comes last summer and everything worked out that I could make appts and have surgery by a Napro trained surgeon (endo had returned). I had to ask if we should TTC again and she gave us a resounding "Yes!". I know we haven't gotten pg yet (glimmer) and I have to keep reminding myself that it takes time for my body to heal and for my hormones to get right. I guess now I'm asking....Am I still hanging onto the life I planned? Is something better waiting for us and we can't have that life since I'm stuck on what I want? Is it bad for us to plan and set goals? Is it bad that I still want a child of my own to raise for God? I don't know. I'm trying to discern.
Anywho...I am now asking if teaching was the right thing to do? When I reflect, everything just worked out like it was suppose to happen...I had some hills to climb to get my masters but they weren't big hills. Getting the degree just seemed to be the right thing to do...like when I met my dh. Everything fell into place. I did enjoy studying about working with and teaching children. I am going to put myself out there to find another teaching job (thank you for the prayers) or explore being a Dev. therap.ist.
My poor dh is tired of my complaining about work. I do try to focus on the positives like Christmas break and Summer breaks...hahahaha. I am helping some children...I know that. I need to focus on those things and not on the children who are so broken...I can't fix them myself. Seriously...some of my children are living lives I could never imagine or understand and they take their anger out on me...which is frustrating to me...for I'm not liking getting kicked, bit or spit on. I need more classroom support than what the district is willing to give. My poor teacher's asst is beyond tired and frustrated herself...she won't be back next year. Ugh! I do need to move on...I know that...for my current stressful situation is too much for me...the angry kids and all the paperwork and expectations put on teachers by the state and district. Everyday I ache...my stomach is turning, I have anxiety and I feel like a failure because I can't get everything done. My principal gets it but can't offer much help for she is frustrated too. IS this the life God wants me to live? Has He set forth this challenge for me to fail? Another teacher friend of mine feels like a failure no matter how much she tries. I know that feeling. I can only pray that I can find another position that won't be so stressful and makes me feel like I'm failing. So far I have gotten good reviews...so that is a positive I need to remember. It's just too much.
Well, I'm glad I've let some of that out. I've been holding so much in. When I read the above quote...it got me thinking and reflecting. It was something that stuck with me. Prayer buddy, I'm offering up a lot of suffering for your intentions! I am also remembering all of the families who lost a child or loved one in the recent sch.ool sho.oting...what is going on? Everybody needs to get their prayer on...for evil is lurking where we would least expect it. Lord, hear our prayers!
St. Anne...pray for us!
That is a great quote. I don't think it's wrong to still want or pursue our goals and dreams, but maybe it's a matter of not holding on so tightly to those that we can't appreciate what we do have. Praying that you figure out where to go with your job!
ReplyDeleteI used to be a teacher and sometimes I miss it desperately, but other times I realize I'm following where God called me...and yet, I know it will all change drastically if we have children. It is a hard thing to figure out, and I will be praying for you - I'm going to ask St. Gianna for her intercession for you, specifically because she is the Patron Saint of Working Mothers and I can't help but think that her intercession would also be powerful for a working woman who desires to be a mother.
ReplyDeleteRebecca...I'd be interested in knowing why you are no longer a teacher...and thank you for praying for me. I will also pray to St. Gianna for an intercession on our behalf.
ReplyDeleteIt's a long story, but the first time I left teaching I did so because we were moving and the job I had (the exact one I had gone to grad school for) did not exist where we were moving to, and quite honestly, I didn't want to settle for something else.
DeleteThe second time (I had worked as a director of a child care center), I was leaving to re-enter my previous field of educating children with hearing loss going the early intervention (birth to 3) route. BUT, this is where God stepped in and after giving a witness talk about NFP to a group of engaged couples I was told about a new job in our diocese. I was stunned and actually told God that if He wanted me to do this He needed to use the earthquake, the wind, the rain, and the storm because the still small voice wasn't gonna cut it and this wasn't my plan. He answered this prayer and made it clear (on more than one occasion) that this was the route he wanted me to take. I still question it sometimes as there is a piece of me that really misses the classroom, and sometimes I suspect I may go back, but for now, I know I'm where God called (or rather shoved) me, and it is pretty awesome.